Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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