So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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