omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
