sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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