Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I will be naked everywhere
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
