i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
