So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
