I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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