His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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