So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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