I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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