my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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