i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
