Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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