I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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