is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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