two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
