Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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