How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
