tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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