I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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