everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
