Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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