Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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