The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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