i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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