After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
