I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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