Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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