I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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