I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
