wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
