I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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