Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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