Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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