Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
