***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
