I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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