The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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