I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm at about main and main street
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
