just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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