I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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