No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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