Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
