the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
