The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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