Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
