Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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