I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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