I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
