omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
