What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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