I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
