two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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