Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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